[SPOILER ROOM] Red Rocks Announces New Noise Restrictions in Effort to ‘Weed Out Dance Crap’

A professional artist's rendering of what a Red Rocks silent disco will look like

MORRISON, CO – Just when you thought the feud with the cranky old neighbors was over, some jackwagon with sensitive hearing had to go and give the town of Morrison an earful about getting too many earfuls of bass…again. YEAH, we know. Turning it down wasn’t enough the first time…or the second time. Then they had to go and banish Sir Lorin for crying out loud (but not too loud)! For the love of Lord Nectar, when will the persecution end?!? Well, now apparently. That’s right, Red Rocks has just announced that starting with the 2018 concert season, all EDM shows will be strictly in the form of silent discos.

Whoever’s on the blue channel is bombing. Photo: UNM Events Calendar

If you’re not familiar, silent discos first started popping up at music festivals about seven or eight years ago as a way to keep the party going deep into the night without disturbing the neighbors. Fans enter a stage area and are handed a pair of wireless headphones. Normally there are at least two DJs silently spinning and fans have the option of which one to listen to by switching channels on the headphones. A colored light on the headphones signifies which DJ they’re listening to (red or blue, for example). Usually, there are a shit ton more of one color than the other because one of the DJs sucks and it actually makes it a bit awkward. Aside from that it’s a cool concept that has grown in popularity over the years.

But even silent disco companies never thought it would become the norm at a major music venue such as Red Rocks. We asked Rick Tosh, a PR manager with Digital Undersound (a local Colorado silent disco brand), what he thought about the new decision from Red Rocks. “I think it’s great! Did I see it coming? Not at all. But damn am I glad it’s happening! I was pretty positive I was about to get laid off because I don’t actually do anything here but thank God for those old bastards in Morrison! If more neighbors near music venues start getting their panties in a wad I might finally get a raise!”

“OMG look how cute our headphones are!” Said no one ever. Photo: Time out

Whether more venues decide to go the same route as Red Rocks remains to be seen. But there’s one demographic who certainly is not pleased with the news: the fans. We spoke with some wook, rocking an oversized Baja hoodie outside of Cervantes after a Kalya Scintilla show recently. “It’s bullshit. It’s just another way for someone to make money or something. I just bought all these super heady earrings in the parking lot that I was so excited to wear next summer but now I have to cover them up with stupid headphones.”

One big question seems obvious: will this affect Red Rocks’ ticket sales and overall bottom line? Joe, a Red Rocks parking attendant of 40 years seems apathetic. “Yea, it might hurt us for one season, but we’ll make it back the following years. Once all these kandi ravers stop buying tickets we’ll just go back to the real shit – you know, Lynrd Skynrd type stuff. The way it was before. Hopefully before too long we’ll weed out that dance crap altogether.”

So enjoy those perfect Red Rocks acoustics coming through your headphones while you can, kids. Or at least until they stop working halfway through the next Chromeo set…if you’ve actually stuck around that long.

ELCO’s ‘Spoiler Room’ is satire. It’s our attempt at humor. Almost nothing in the “spoiler room” is real, factual, or meant to be taken seriously. Think The Onion, but for electronic music and not nearly as well-written or funny.

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Hi! We started ELCO back in 2012 and have had a blast every step of the way. Music, especially electronic, is our passion, and spreading the good vibes across this beautiful state that we live in is our goal. If you have any questions, concerns, or suggestions, please email us through our Contact page. Thanks!