LIVE OAK, FL – Reports have recently surfaced of a twenty-something year old man, who goes by simply “Lizard”, losing it at Suwannee Hulaween music festival in Florida this past weekend after he waited in line for a porta potty for half an hour, only to discover the toilet seat was nowhere to be found. Of course this wouldn’t have been a problem had he only had to go #1, but it’s safe to say that was not the case on this grim day. No ELCO staff were actually in attendance at the festival, but multiple eyewitness testimonies have been submitted to us since the unfortunate shituation.
One of them went as follows: “I was just standing in line next to this super heady looking wook for at least 30 minutes. We were in lines for porta potties that were right
next to each other. We were both next up [in line] and his [porta potty] opened up before mine. He walked up, opened the door, and stopped dead in his tracks. Then he slammed the door shut and just dropped like the most blood-curdling F bomb I’ve ever heard in my life. It actually freaked a lot of people out. You thought someone was dying.”
Horrified faces looked over to see where the bone chilling sound had come from as a concerned second wook asked Lizard what was wrong. “I was like BRO, WHAT IS IT?! I thought he found a dead body in there or something. But then he just looked at me and told me he had stood in line for two hours and had to take the biggest shit of his life but there was no toilet seat. I know for a fact it had only been like 30 minutes, but he was clearly trippin balls. Super sweaty and all bug-eyed, you know.”
Reportedly, a couple of people told him he could just use the porta potty that they were in line for, to which he replied with tears streaming down his unwashed face, “It’s too late”, before running off towards the campgrounds. The wook hasn’t been seen since.
ELCO’s ‘Spoiler Room’ is satire. It’s our attempt at humor. Almost nothing in the “spoiler room” is real, factual, or meant to be taken seriously. Think The Onion, but for electronic music and not nearly as well-written or funny.